Boromir's Diary of the Afterlife
by Balrog Pimp
Summary: Updated! What if Boromir decided to hang around the Fellowship even after his passing? A humourous diary from the POV of a ghostly Boromir. Borry gets even wierder if that's at all possible.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: I'm a big Boromir fan who couldn't help but feel Boromir needed some participation is the quest for the ring after he died, hence this. Please excuse any anachronisms I put in, this is fanfiction! Please review!

Love, Balrog Pimp xox

> **Boromir's Diary of the Afterlife**  
  
****
> 
> **Day 1:**  
  
_I just died. Kind of interesting really. There was this big tunnel that opened up before me with this angelic host calling me, but why follow the crowds? So I guess I'm sort of trapped here now. Oh well. I have decided to stay here for a while and watch the fellowship deal with the quest now that I'm gone, (like they'll be able to!). It's kinda nice to know that they still care about me... OMG! Just scored a kiss from Aragorn! Go me! In your face Legolas! I always knew I was the prettiest! Wish I had felt it though, feel slightly miffed. Oh well, dead kiss is better than no kiss right? Still have no idea as to how I am recording this, as I have no pen or paper...best not to think too much on this subject. Maybe it's like one of those voice memo things? Which reminds me...I forgot to give back the voice recorder thingy I stole from Faramir ages ago... guess I won't be able to tell him where I hid it now. Maybe it's for the better, would rather Faramir not hear the stuff I recorded on it...Hey, is Aragorn crying???  
_  
_**Later:**_  
  
_Okay, so maybe those elven boats are really worth all the trouble; they go down waterfalls really well! Bye bye body! Good riddance I say, sure it was strong, good looking, desirable...what was I saying... Oh yeah! But floating is soo much better than running! I am now seeing the benefits of being bodiless. You don't get tired and sore and you're invisible! Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas don't know whether to follow Frodo and Sam or rescue Merry and Pippin. Follow Frodo and Sam! Follow Frodo and Sam! Get that damn ring off him, he can't do it alone, you need to take it to Gondor! Forget what I said earlier about understanding why we couldn't take the ring, I was delirious! Listen to me Aragorn, can't you hear me?! Oh... maybe he can't. Shit. Forget what I said about benefits of being bodiless... it sucks.  
_  
**Day 2:**  
  
_So now we're following along after the Uruk-Hai, trying to save Merry and Pippin. Blast it! Not that I've got anything against the Dynamic Duo but I taught them how to fight, they should be able to handle. Am sulking... though this may seem to be pointless as no one can see me... but damn it I'll pout anyway! Am only reassured by the fact that Aragorn is only following Merry and Pippin for my sake. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention I seem to be able to hear people's thoughts. Pretty cool really. Aragorn's doing this so I didn't have to die in vain...he also took my vambraces to remember me by. Quite sweet of him really. I hope he cleans them from time to time though, would hate for vambraces to look like the rest of his garb. –shudders-  
_  
**Day 3:  
**  
_Jeez, toughen up Gimli and quit complaining. Honestly, they're only running all day and all night. Guess who doesn't have to do any running from now on? Heh heh heh! Last night, however, discovered double bonus to be able to read people's thoughts. Aragorn has... ahem, very vivid dreams concerning... certain elvish princesses. Had very entertaining time last night. Is this wrong? Am I a sick pervert? Oh who cares anyway its not like he knows I'm still sticking around! Besides, I like to think of it as an educational experience... learnt a lot about elvish...culture...  
  
Also decided to pay a brief visit to Frodo and Sam and see how their scummy quest is going. They are lost in the Eymn Muil, serves them right. We wouldn't have got lost if we had gone straight to Minas Tirith. Stupid Frodo kicking me in the face. Resist urge to cut elvish rope and send hobbits plummeting to their doom...hey, can I even do that? Better not try just in case. Ewww, what's that scrawny, naked thing down there? Maybe I should get back to Aragorn and the others now, would hate to miss Aragorn's bedtime... ; )_  
  
**Day 4:  
**  
_Another day of floating along while the others run. Keep breathing Legolas, a little exercise is good for you! Apparently the Uruk-Hai are taking the hobbits to Isengard. Do the stupid blighters think Merry and Pip have the ring? Boy, are they in for a surprise! Hope the two little squirts will be all right though, they were my buddies...Okay, new plan! Help Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli to save Merry and Pippin by any means necessary! Hey, what's this? It's one of those elvish broaches! Perhaps I can get Aragorn to see it. Success! It appears I have the ability to trip people up. Anyway, he saw it... when he was flat on the ground! Ha ha!  
  
**Later:**_  
  
_Met up with the Riders of Rohan and got to see Éomer again! Hooray! I missed the sexy bitch! Too bad he didn't seem to realise I was kissing him all over his handsome mug! He's such a cutie. Stupid Legolas just about put an arrow through him and me though! Thank you Aragorn for saving my precious Éomesy! Feel all tingly inside now being reunited with old friends; maybe we can have a party! Or maybe not, Éomer seems to be a bit busy and is riding off again. Torn between following hot Rohirrim or elf, dwarf, man freak show. Better help them along... they need all the help they can get.  
  
Note to self: See how far my abilities of being able to interfere with the land of the living go.  
_  
**Day 5:**  
  
_Have entered big, scary forest. Can't help but think that honey bunny Éomesy Womesy wouldn't have come to such a dark and spooky place...but if he had come maybe he could have held me close. Something about his big, strong muscles makes me feel all girly –giggles- Oh come on, I'm dead, give me a break already! Anyway, dark, dank, scary forest update. Forest has consistently loomed over me since we got in her. Think trees are aware of my presence. Hey, what's that moving over there? Hey Legolas, I saw it first, so don't you get all 'my elf sense is tingling' on me! Arggghh! Sudden bolt of lighting is very very frightening!!!  
_  
**_Later:_**  
  
_So, the others all found out that sudden, blinding light was actually Gandalf in disguise. But I knew that all along. Lost the plot when Gandalf started speaking in riddles again, tried to read his mind in attempt understand him better... no joy. Saw Merry and Pip today! They were riding an enormous tree...I knew there was an old wives tale about this forest for a reason...Also saw Frodo and Sam again, just to check that they hadn't unfortunately perished. Wrinkled, nudist critter in loincloth is leading them through some stinky marshes. Well Frodo, if you regret your decision to go to Mount Doom this way its your own fault, Minas Tirith doesn't stink I can tell you that!  
  
P.S: Sorry Frodo for accidentally pushing you into that marsh, I was trying to swat a bug on you back, honest! Looks like I pushed a little too hard. –smirk-  
_  
**Day 6:**  
  
_Travelling along with freak show again. Man, is what we looked like to those Crebain? Saruman must have been shivering in his boots after hearing about our little travelling party...right. Am most glad I don't have a ride horses again either, they make for uncomfortable travel. Took a peep in on Frodo and Sam and naked critter again today. They reached the Black Gate, but turned away because, like I told them, the stupid mission is impossible!!! Hate to say I told you so... not! They are heading towards Ithillien; hopeful they will ditch ugly creature and head towards Minas Tirith, now that would make some sense. However, would much rather Frodo had the ring than ugly thing 'cos it seems to want the ring too, and Valar knows what it will do with it! Hopefully they will run into Faramir and he will mug 'em and take the ring for himself. Oh, Boromir, what are you thinking, this is Faramir we're talking about here and Faramir wouldn't mug a bunny rabbit! –deep sigh-  
  
This mission is doomed for failure... _
> 
> TBC


	2. Part 2

**Author's Note:** Sorry to take so long to update but I really have no excuse. And that's my excuse. That and my Ouji board was acting up and Boromir was a little hard to reach. LOL! :) Thanks for the feedback and the reviews. Keep it coming!

Balrog Pimp xxx

****

**Day 7:**

_Hum dee...bored shiteless... Wish I had gone with Éomer. Much regret..._

**_Later:_**

_Leggy had a little bow, little bow, little bow!_

_Leggy had a little bow it's wood was..._

_It's wood was..._

_Crap. What rhymes with bow. Toe, low, foe, know, sow, foe hmmm_

_Leggy had a little bow it would kill any foe?_

_God that sucks. You are no bard, Boromir._

**Day 8:**

_Stuff actually happened today! Aragorn and co. arrived at Edoras. Was disappointed to hear that Éomer was still banished. King Theoden in MASSIVE need of a makeover. Gandalf seems to have some hidden talent in that department though and gave him a whole new look. I approve. Before he looked something that even a Warg would have turned it's nose up at._

_Obviously, Saruman has no idea of what looks good at all and had made him look uggers in the first place. Some weird kind of exorcism went on and I have expected Gandalf to whip out the Ouji board. Heh, wish he had though because I could have had some serious fun mucking around with that!_

_–Mischievous grin-_

_Pretty blond girl, Éowyn, was there. Last time I saw her she was just a little wipper-snapper. Doesn't totally take after her bro in the looks department though. She's pretty enough but Éomer's just damn hot!!! I soo should have gone with him! She seems to really fancy Aragorn anyway. Aw, poor girl's gonna get her heart broken. Maybe I shouldn't have pinched her on the ass then and made her think Aragorn was leading her on. –Childish titter. –_

_Made an appearance to Faramir just now. He was sleeping at Henneth Annun, and with some careful manipulation I managed to get him to sleep walk to the River Anduin (he's always been very open to the paranormal and stuff like that so this worked to my advantage). There he saw, or thought he saw me floating down the River in my little boat. I couldn't resist giving him a little dunk into the water though as the boat floated past. Okay, so that was a little mean, but hey! He's my little brother! I had to make it more believable that it was actually me going by in the river and not some evil ploy by the Enemy. That dunk will make him sure it was me! So a very fun and interesting time for me, and a literal 'wet dream' for Faramir!_

**Day 9:**

_Funeral of Theodred. That was great fun. We hung out and watched the proceedings together for a bit and laughed at the crap singing cause everyone was crying. He's such a bastard. I told him I got a funeral song too when I died. He told me that mine probably really sucked. I told him to shove it up his arse. He's a real great guy, but such a bastard._

_Things got a bit sombre though when King Theoden and Gandalf had a moment together and Theodred went to go comfort his father. Felt very out of place and so left. Wound up the very entertaining day however with the Gollum/Smeagol comedy hour!_

_Smeagol: Master's my friend!_

_Gollum: You don't have any friends! Nobody likes you!_

_-Rolls around in mid-air in fits of laughter-_

_Bloody psycho! Hahhahahahahaha!_

**Day 10: **

_Some kids arrived at Edoras last night. Dunledings were invading the western folds of Rohan and being pyromaniacs. I'd be up for a bit of that if I weren't so painfully aware where my loyalties lie. Éomer doing all right though. Checked up on him briefly. He was riding his horse, bouncing seductively up and down in his saddle. He was always flirtatious that one. –sighs-_

_The Rohirrim are making for the fortress of Helm's Deep. Éowyn must definitely have some major PMS. She just about nicked Aragorn's head off just before they left. I think it kinda turned him on though. Kinky bastard. Éomer would kill him if he knew. Now that would be funny!_

_Frodo and Sam and Comedic Psychopath entered Ithillien today. I think Gollum has rabies. He was foaming at the mouth and growling when he caught two rabbits for Frodo. Sick! Had a fun game of_

_'I Spy' today. I spy with my little eye something beginning with F and I and R. Faramir and his Ithillien Rangers. I saw all of them. I can't believe the Haradrim missed them, they were so bloody obvious even without all their ludicrous bird-calling. I guess I do have an advantage though, having expected to see them round and being able to have a bird's eye view of he entire area. And Faramir's gotta lay off on the cologne! Miracle the Mumaks didn't sniff him out!_

_Attack successful however and there was some serious ass-kicking going on down there. Little bro is so brave! Goooo Farry! –does strange cheerleading dance- Extra points also for sneaking up on the hobbits and taking them into custody too! Kinda surprising though, I had never really expected Faramir to actually 'mug 'em' as were my concerns previously. But he must have grown some balls since I left. Am VERY impressed. Gondor will have the Ring any day now._

**Day 11:**

_Gimli riding a horse. Whatever. I think he was trying to chat up Éowyn, making an excuse that there were very few Dwarf women. Okay, granted there may be few Dwarf women, but that's no excuse for really lame pick-up lines. He didn't do it for her though, she's still all over Aragorn._

_Speaking of Aragorn, he looked exceptionally handsome today. Maybe it was because he was smiling for once, or maybe it was because he took an opportunity to wash during his stay at Edoras. In any case, if I were in Éowyn's position, I would be falling all over him as well._

**_Later: _**

_Aragorn is very much still in love with the Lady Arwen. Somehow she came to him in his sleep, (which I found incredible because I thought only dead people could do that), and they had a very intimate and poignant moment together. –sniffs- Curse it, here I go again. They made me bloody cry it was so cute. Let it not be said that Boromir of Gondor was not a true romantic at heart!_

_God, their love story should be made into a movie... -tear-_

**Day 12:**

_Interrupted a private telepathic phone call today between Galadriel and Elrond. Galadriel was telling Elrond that 'Frodo was doomed' or something and that the fate of Middle-Earth now rested in Faramir's strength of will. She picked up that I was listening in however when I started to breath heavily to freak her out. She told me to piss off (I was shocked I can tell you!) and I told her that I would listen in on anything that concerned my little brother. She said that my concern for my brother was noble but my immaturity of trying to prank her was really lame and that I should 'get a life.' I told her that for an Elven Queen she had picked a really bad choice of words. She hung up on me. Stupid bitch... 'get a life'... real funny..._

**Day 13:**

_Warg attack. Am quite impressed about Legolas' circus skills a top a horse. Big WOW. Éowyn had another shit because Theoden refused to let her fight. I think some fighting would be good for her. Get her out of all her moods. Aragorn tried some stunts of his own atop a Warg (I think he was trying to outdo Legolas) but it didn't work because both he and the Warg ended up on the wrong side of a cliff. Legolas, Gimli and the others were sad. I wasn't. I was relieved that he was going to have another wash in that river he fell into._

_Faramir was thinking about me tonight. He told the hobbits he was my brother and that I had met my end. Then he went and had a cry. I feel stink. If I had been there I would have told him to toughen up; but then again, if I had been there he wouldn't have been crying in the first place. I gave him a big hug and sang him our 'Rainbow song' that we used to sing as kids whenever we saw them. Then something really strange happened. He just happened to look up in the direction of the waterfall entrance, and it was that time of the day when the sunset would catch the waterfall and all these rainbows would appear. It was almost as if he heard me because he started to sing:_

_"Red and yellow and pink and green_

_Purple and orange and blue_

_I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too...'_

_He is a much better singer than I am._

_Shite, I need to find a tissue. –sobs-_

TBC...at some stage... lol


End file.
